Sometimes I just don’t know what to do with myself. I’m lost, alone, and in the middle of all the chaos while everyone is on the outside with not a thing wrong.
I know I said I’d put photography up but I just now finished my homework so I’ll have to do it tomorrow. Sorry. :/ TOMORROW. I PROMISEEEE. (:
After I finish my homework, I promise to upload some of my photography from my trip a few weeks ago. (:
sometimes my laptop gets really hot and starts burning my leg but i fight through the pain because i am a blogging warrior
For Your Information
I hate Kansas wind. HATE. Actually. In reality, I hate all wind that is blowing faster than a breeze.
From the time I was twelve years old I was always an emotional wreck. No one knew what war went on behind the walls you would call my skin. It all began the morning my parents broke the news to me that I would be moving. Not just to a nother city, but to another state. After living ten years in Lee’s Summit, MO, I never imagined my life without it. Growing up there, I always imagined marrying there in the chuch I grew up in, starting a family in Lee’s Summit, growing old in Lee’s Summit, and well, dying in Lee’s Summit. My world: shattered. Not knowing how to quite cope with the tragedy, I became severely depressed. Slowly but surely, I turned into the “weird problem kid” I swore I’d never be. While my dad moved away to begin his new job, my mom was busy with her job, and I began to feel like no one had my attention. Being the firstborn, it’s something I was naturally used to. As my depression grew worse, I began frequently skipping meals. Those frequently skipped meals turned into an everyday activity. Painful, yes, very. But the physical pain that struck me was what subsided, or more like punished me for what I felt was my fault. See, when my dad moved away, I felt abandoned. Being thirteen years old, I wasn’t sure what the real story behind us moving was. It could be a better job offer. But it just as likely could have been something else. Anyways, the few visits my dad made to see us were something I grew to dread. Filled with fights, screaming, negativity, and not much Jesus, I felt like my earthly father was placing the blame for my parents marital problems on me. It seemed that after every fight, I was the one standing dead in my tracks with the fingers pointed toward me. This went on for a year. It was the most awful year of my life. It was something I couldn’t escape, and it felt like I was living in hell. Shortly after I began to see my parents then-crumbling marriage, I turned my hurt, and my hate towards my heavenly Father. I did not understand what thing I could have done to deserve such a miserable life. I felt unloved, unwanted, hurt, angry, misunderstood. Which then followed by failure, stupidity, daring moments, and well, more stupidity. Shortly after seventh grade began and my thirteenth birthday passed, I was an anorexic, depressed, emotionally raging, suicidal ticking time bomb. Each day, I spent hating, plotting, crying, and hurting. Many things I tried, from rubbing an eraser to my skin til it burned and bled, to filling up the bath tub, and packing my things to run away. But nothing seemed to follow through and “work.” The feelings I had subsided for a while when I was finally moved into my new “home.” Then… They began again. These things, I struggled with up until the end of my junior year of high school. Not feeling good enough, feeling like a failure, feeling like I was fat, feeling like I was ugly. Somewhere between the end of junior year and the beginning of senior year things began to look up. I stopped having urges to skip a meal, stopped feeling like I needed to punish myself, stopped feeling so hated. I should clarify though, that the time I hated God only lasted from about age thirteen to age fourteen. I ended up not hating him, just not understanding him and often questioning his existance. Today, I still have urges every once in a while to skip a meal. And it’s hard, but I know better now. I’m not depressed, but I do have my down days. I’m not sucidal, but sometimes memories of when I tried to follow through with it cross my mind. But I do in fact still have an anger problem. Tonight I was trying to do my college algebra homework, and for whatever stupid reason, it’s online. You basically get one shot, and you either win, or you not just lose, you FAIL. Well failure is something I’ve grown to hate over the years. I cannot stand failing. Well this particular assignment has twenty-four questions. Out of the first six questions… I missed four. Realizing it was now impossible for me to get an A on this assignment, I already told myself “Well you’ve failed now. You can’t get an A.” Raging in anger, I began helplessly bawling because I felt stupid for not understanding this lesson in math. My anger grew and was boiling up and over inside me to the point where I was SO ANGRY I could feel my blood vessels pulsing in my head and my nose began to bleed. I was so angry that I broke blood vessels in my nose. Can you believe how angry that is?! Over A SINGLE MATH ASSIGNMENT. I want nothing more but to be successful in this class and walk out with an A. And seeing how frustrated I was getting over the first day’s assignment, I began torturing myself with the fact that if I couldn’t understand the first lessons in the book, then how in the WORLD would I understand anything else in the class?! Well being the incredibly lucky girl I am, I have a young man in my life that I really by no circumstances deserve to have. Why he likes me, I have literally no idea. But for whatever reason (maybe God just REALLY blessed him with patience and understanding… ?) he does like me. And I like, REALLYYYYYYYYYYYY like him. I know he wants to help me when I’m in a fit of anger, but I know that in reality, nobody can help me when I’m angry. I’m just a flaming hot mess of emotions and anger. It’s NOT a pretty picture. Trust me. But anyways, I hopped in the shower to try to calm myself down. Not working, I began to pray through clenched teeth that God would release my anger, help me calm down, unswell my eyes, help my teacher to be gracious upon me, help me understand the lessons in class, stay awake, get a good nights sleep, and even that somehow SOMEWAY I could still walk out of the class with an A. Said that all in one prayer, right there in the shower. Well, still feeling angry after I got out of the shower (and keep in mind this whole time I’m throwing things, slamming things down, stomping around like a angry two year old) I begin to get that overwhelming feeling of “You need to punish yourself for being so stupid.” And by punish, I mean like physically hurt yourself. Luckily, I didn’t, and I overcame the urge to hurt myself and throw up my dinner. But I’m still sitting in my bed with swollen eyes and suffering from sleep deprivation. But I do feel much much more calm. I am still kind of upset that I will get a B on my math homework. But I’ve realized… It’s not the end of the world. I will do better next time. (I hope and pray I do anyways…) I also hate the fact that it takes just a little situation like this, for me to explode in anger. But for whatever reason, I guess God made me like this? Anyways, I’m just worried that my explosive anger will draw the man God’s blessed me with away. I don’t want him to leave. It scares me that he could though. I pray God gives him lots more patience and understanding so that hopefully he’ll stick around. At least for a while. We’ll see. Only time will tell. In the meantime, I have to be up in a few short hours for class. I’ll finish this rant off with a prayer.
Dear Heavenly Father,
I’m so sorry for how I acted out. I pray that you would help soothe my anger and help me to have more patience and understanding as well. I thank you Lord for what you’ve provided and blessed me with. You are so good to me, even when I’m not so great to you. Thank you for my friends who encourage me. And Lord thank you for my best friend. I pray he’ll stick around and continue to make the world of difference in my life like he has been doing. I love you Lord and I pray you forgive me for being so angry. Help me to get a restful nights sleep and I pray my eyes would look normal when I wake up. Not all puffy and swollen. Yes, I’m a girl, I know. Anywho, I love you and thank you for your mercy. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.